Dear Mr. Cameron,
Please allow me to congratulate you on your recent declaration of intent to destroy the menace to our modern society that is private encrypted communications. For too long, in my opinion, has our nation been blighted by privacy, banking, digital security and all the other terrors visited upon us by not allowing the government, and indeed anyone else, to access any and all information we possess and send digitally. A masterstroke, I say, and seeing such a high profile politician as our Dear Leader throw his weight behind the glorious Crusade against privacy and technology. And as if to add to the genius of it all, by making this announcement mere days after a terrible atrocity committed with the aim of stifling an alleged freedom (albeit in an entirely different, devious foreign country) it showed how utterly dedicated you are to the cause! Compared to those other johnny-come-lately alleged right-wing parties currently trying to challenge your dominance, you certainly are a shining example of what the conservative right is truly about! However, for all this outpouring of adoration for this new scheme, allow me to make one or two modest proposals on where to go from here.

The outright banning of all forms of encryption is merely the start, and must be used as a stepping stone to further greatness. After banning digital communication we must look to the other means which people can deceive the government. Therefore we must look to curtailing all forms of non-government sanctioned communications all together. Initially we can simply make use of our nation’s already extensive closed circuit television network to assist this. Of course, there is the problem that it is incredibly fragmented between various private and public bodies, and are likely not equipped to monitor individuals, so a mass purchase must be in order. I’m certain you must know someone in the private sector who is willing to take on the burden of having our freedoms franchised out to them, and your radical regime of cuts to public services means we should be able to embark upon this without being burdened with such frivolities as the welfare state, culture subsidies or medical services.

After bringing together these services an expansion is required. No home, alleyway or random patch of rural farmland should exist uncovered by CCTV, and hefty penalties for non compliance should be levied. I suggest using the fracing emplacements your colleagues plan for the desolate wastes in the North East as a convenient punishment that benefits all those involved. This scheme will also be an ideal solution to the growing unemployment crisis, as the new system will require installers and enforcers, and if no one wants these jobs, we can always use Mr. Duncan Smith’s visionary Mandatory Work Programme to make sure they do it whether they like it or not. I can envision that in scant months the issues facing our country that stem from such problems will likely vanish completely. But still, I think things can be taken further.

It is a well known and popular fact that all crimes involve communication, therefore it’s a perfectly rational jump of understanding to realise that communication itself is the route cause (a similar jump of understanding you applied to digital encryption, after all). So after putting in place the system to monitor all forms of public communication, we must then work to ban it altogether. I propose appointing a system of government mandated “Talk Officers” for each major settlement where all forms of communication, be they verbal, written, digital or by aid of a series of trained pigeons, is totally banned unless taking place within thirty yards of them (Or “Rifkind Radius,” if you will), on penalty of the Fracing Camps. Once the public gets used to this system (Which, of course, they must or it’s Fracing for them) the system can be slowly tweaked, removing Talk Officers periodically until only the Chief Talk Officer remains in his co-role of Chairman of the Communication Intelligence and Security Committee. This will ensure that outside of the Whitehall Rifkind Radius, the nation will be a glorious, silent, crime- and freedom- free utopia for all future generations to enjoy prosperity the likes of which the world has never seen outside of, say, North Korea.

This is a daring and bold scheme, I think you can agree, but it’s all taking the baton you generated this past week and running with it. Only with such brave and visionary leaders as your self can we rid ourselves of the evils of “freedom” and be truly safe in a world where nothing goes without government notice or reproach. As long as people like yourself continue this crusade, we will inevitably get there some day, just as long as people keep voting leaders of such caliber into power rather than those who actively seek to further the evils of freedom for all. I know which side I’m on in that argument, certainly.

With my warmest regards,
—Ndro
—My sincerest apologies to Jonathan Swift